Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Bloody Miracle

Thousands of pilgrims have flocked to a small church in Yerba Buena, Argentina, after reports of 'blood' running from Christ's crown of thorns in a mural.
Samples of the red liquid have been sent for tests on it’s authenticity.
Local priest Fr Jorge Gandur urged worshippers to exercise prudence and caution and not to jump to conclusions, adding:

(Wait for it..)

“As a priest, at no time have I wished to create false expectations.”

3D Pregnancy Hazard

US military man Erick Johnson came home from a stint in Iraq to find his wife Jennifer was pregnant. She claimed this had happened because she watched a 3D pornographic film. The Johnsons are white, but the baby turned out to be black. Jennifer explained that this was because she had been ogling a black porn star. The husband actually accepted her explanation. "With today's technology," he said, "anything is possible."

No it’s not.
That’s why we have the word, ‘Impossible’.

Still, it’s reassuring to know that the standards required to enter the US military are so high.

Man’s Best Friend

The next time someone tells you that their dog is clever – knows what your saying, knows what your thinking, can read and write, etc; here’s one to remind of just how smart the arse-sniffers really are.
A Labrador that ate a beehive containing pesticides and thousands of dead bees won an award on Monday that recognized the most unusual pet health insurance claim in the United States. Skip related content
Mind you she was up against some stiff opposition, beating a border collie that ran through a window to get at a mailman, and a terrier that bit a chainsaw.
Man’s best friend? Maybe.
Good for a laugh? Definitely.

Monday, 23 August 2010

Piss-Head State of Mind

This is the face of a woman who urinated on a war memorial in Blackpool and performed a sex act nearby.

This is the face of Wendy Lewis, 32, of Princess Street, Blackpool

As she arrived at the court, she was barracked by veterans, whom she swore at, and then done a runner before her hearing began.
Lewis was last week convicted in her absence of outraging public decency.
A warrant has been issued for her arrest.

Her lawyer, said: 'She had been drinking but now realises how much offence she has caused the public and what she has done.'
Yeah. She must have been well  pissed when this picture was taken.

A few months pissing in a pot might be in order.
You can blame the drink for a lot of things. But in this case, there’s something that just isn’t working here.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

A Wee Bevvy for Jimmy Reid

Former Glasgow shipyard union leader Jimmy Reid has died at the age of 78.

Jimmy led the successful work-in at the Upper Clyde Shipbuilders (UCS) in 1971 which thwarted Ted Heath’s Tory government in it’s attempts to close the yards.
The campaign attracted widespread public support, with a series of fundraising events being held for the workers and celebrities including John Lennon giving their backing.
The government finally relented in February 1972.
A one-time Communist Party, he unsuccessfully stood for Labour in the 1979 election. He later became a respected journalist and broadcaster.
He lost faith in Nu-Labour as he saw the party move further and further away form it’s once held philosophies.  He joined the SNP in 2005.
Jimmy was a true working class hero. An intellectual from the grime and sweat of hard labour. A world apart from Heath’s yahoo Henrys.
He won the day with reasoned argument that up show the Tories for what they were – a party of the past that thought by dint of old school tie they could ride roughshod over the lives of working people and proved that organised workers could defeat an unthinking government and a culture of big business that sees people as profit fodder.
There will be no hooliganism, there will be no vandalism. But there will be a wee bit of bevvying as we remember Jimmy.

Floods, Fires and the Price of Food

The devastating flooding in Pakistan has destroyed crops and led to a surge in food prices in the country.
It’s good to see that no matter what, the free market economy that allows profiteering from misery is as healthy as ever.
Elsewhere, food supplies have been severely disrupted in China, pushing up prices where the country is battling with its worst flooding in a decade.

At the other extreme, Russia's worst heat-wave on record has parched crops with prices having soared by more than 50% since June..

However, you might be glad to hear that the UN's Food and Agriculture Organization says that fears of a new global food crisis - similar to that of three years ago - are not justified.
That crisis was one that was manufactured by the markets for profit. There was never any shortage at all.

Daft Things to do in a Sauna #1

Competition is a great thing. And humans can make a sport out of just about anything. Whether it’s chasing a cheese down a hill or doing something with a ball on muddy field in the middle of February. Indeed, more spherical objects are employed by sport than for the procreation of the species.
Standing on one leg for a fortnight is pretty impressive and one would imagine, fairly harmless.
In the land of razorblade eating and cobras up the trousers however, some ‘sports’ are an accident waiting to happen.
That’s because they are derived from taking something that was fairly mundane and ‘maxing’ it to the extreme.
Why be the world juggling champion using the aforesaid balls, when you can be the world juggling champion using meat-cleavers, chainsaws or nitro-glycerine?

You might get it wrong. If you do – you won’t get much sympathy.
And, unlike the relatively safe, winning Olympic Gold or lifting the World Cup, very few people will ever be aware of your achievement. 

And so to Finland.

The annual World Sauna Championships in Finland have ended with the death of one of the finalists.

The event, which had over 130 participants from 15 countries, had been held since 1999.
This time round though, it ended in tragedy with Russian Vladimir Ladyzhensky and his Finnish rival, the defending world champion Timo Kaukonen, collapsing after suffering severe burns. Mr Ladyzhensky later died in hospital.

This half-baked – half-grilled competition requires that half a litre of water be added to the stove inside the sauna every 30 seconds, with the participants having to withstand temperatures of 110C (230F) for as long as possible. Last person remaining merely parboiled, is the winner.
The men managed six minutes before judges noticed something amiss.

Ossi Arvela, chief organiser told the press there was no prize other than "some small things".
A few bottles of Calamine Lotion and an ice-lolly surely.

The organisers said that the World Sauna Championships would never be held again.
To be replaced with the annual Sitting Inside a Nuclear Reactor Championships – no doubt.
And, you wouldn’t be surprised when some people applied for an entry form.

Naomi Campbell. Inconvenience and Truth

At his trial in being held in The Hague, in front of a United-Nations backed Special Court for Sierra Leone, Charles Taylor faces 11 charges of war crimes and crimes against humanity over his alleged role in the brutal civil war in neighbouring Sierra Leone, where he accused of selling diamonds and buying weapons for Sierra Leone's Revolutionary United Front rebels, responsible for widespread atrocities and who were notorious for hacking off the hands and legs of civilians during their decade-long war.

Word on the street is that he pretty much did it.

But how many people, in this country, were aware that the trial was taking place. Well, I would venture a guess that, until last week, very few.
But, thanks to the ‘cult of the celebrity’ it suddenly had news value. Naomi Campbell, I believe that she is some sort of anorexic clothes hanger, was subpoenaed to appear as a witness for the prosecution.

The prosecution must now be regretting getting the British supermodel Naomi Campbell, to testify that Taylor had gifted her ‘Blood Diamonds’.
The fact that they had to subpoena her, should have given them an insight into the sort of witness that she would be.

Anyone who has taken the slightest of passing interests in the twilight-zone existence of this self-centred prima donna would not have been surprised by the blasé attitude taken by the reality-challenged Campbell to the proceedings.
She couldn’t even be arsed to turn up on time. And when asked why she hadn't wanted to appear in court, she told the world:

"This is a big inconvenience for me.”

Well, “Fuck Me”!
As inconvenient as having your hands or legs chopped off?
But, I digress.

The media, who have shown scant interest in the trial up till now, swarmed to The Hague. And Campbell even got a judge to rule that the paparazzi would not be allowed to photograph her entering the court.
Font page of the papers. The lead on TV News.
A supermodel. A genocidal dictator. Blood diamonds. Courtroom drama with dodgy and conflicting testimony.
This was the stuff of . . . well . . .
Soap opera.
And sadly, that was is attraction.

The trial will continue. But not on the front pages or as the lead stories at six o’ clock. The truth is that mind-numbing media and the mind-numbed that it drip feeds this rubbish to, are no longer interested.

That is unless; the defence can come up with a dippy celebrity of their own.