Something About Oil and Water (Make it up yourself)

The Deepwater Horizon disaster has been big news. Quite rightly so. But a major factor in this is because it happened in the US.

Worse has been happening elsewhere in the world for decades and especially in the Niger delta which supplies 40% of all the crude the United States imports.

On 1 May this year a ruptured Exxon Mobil pipeline in the state of Akwa Ibom spilled more than a million gallons into the delta over seven days before the leak was stopped.

Protests by locals were met with beatings from the company’s security guards

And demands for $1bn in compensation for the illness and loss of livelihood suffered will come to nothing. While Obama bangs on about BP footing the bill in America, there no chance of him encouraging US oil companies to do the same elsewhere.

In the past two years, there has been 10 oil spills in the region and the fishing industry all but destroyed. Life expectancy in the rural communities of the delta, where half the population has no access to clean water due to oil pollution, has fallen to little more than 40 years over the past two generations. The people there can only marvel at the efforts being made to protect the Louisiana shoreline. Much worse happens in the delta, where neither the government nor the oil companies give a fuck.

This is yet another reality check for the world’s most parochial country.

Americans might, just might, get to see what happens when oil companies are allowed to act with impunity and recklessness while Government officials turn a blind eye and take kick-backs.

You can bet your life that this won’t happen again.

Well – not in the US anyway. Not for a while anyway,

The Niger delta however, will be a different story.

Trump That

The Trumpton Bully is back in town.

In his latest charm offensive (with the emphasis on ‘offensive’) he has said that the village idiot’s house is a “slum” and a “pigsty”. 
He even suggested the “idiot” might not even have Scottish ancestry.

"My mother was born in Stornoway and she was so meticulous and if I dropped a little piece of paper on the floor as a baby she said: 'pick up that paper’. She was the most clean (sic) woman I've ever seen. She was immaculate. The people of Scotland are that way.”

"This place is a pigsty. I don't know where he comes from. Maybe his heritage is from somewhere other than Scotland."

Maybe.

It would be interesting to know however, if Trump is offering up his native New York as an example of what happens when there is a lack of Scots in the gene pool.

New York - The City That Never Sweeps

He has also decreed that the Menie Dunes will be renamed the "Great Sand Dunes of Scotland" as a tribute to his late mother Mary Macleod, who was born in Lewis. No I can’t work that one out neither. It’s a cracking idea though.

I think I’ll rename my back garden the “Great Plain of Lochaber”, after a loaf of bread that I once bought.

The Mayor of Trumpton, along with Trumptonshire council are expected to continue with their extensive olfactory investigations into the great man’s colon. Due to cuts in the NHS all spine implant operations have been suspended in Aberdeenshire  

On the question of heritage, Trump’s parental grandparents were German. But if you think there’s going to be any of that jack-booting bullying stereotype nonsense here you’re mistaken.

The Never-ending Story of Expenses Cheats

Surprise, surprise. The Top Hat and Tails coalition has hardly got it’s feet under the cabinet table when we discover that political hypocrisy is alive and well in our newly reformed parliament of squeaky clean MPs.

Just when this slimy lot thought it was safe to go back into the expenses office - David Laws, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury has had to resign after admitting claiming expenses to pay rent for a room in a flat in Kennington, south London, from his secret long-term partner, lobbyist James Lundie.

Since 2006, Parliamentary rules have banned MPs from "leasing accommodation from a partner".

As well as resigning from his cabinet role he said he would pay back the £40,000 he had claimed. That’s awfy good of him. This is the guy who, a week ago, was telling us all about the terrible spending cuts that were going to made and how we’ll a have suffer and accept.

The Yeovil MP said he had wanted to keep his relationship with James Lundie private and also queried whether Mr Lundie counted as a "partner" as defined by the rules. As rotten excuses go – that’s right up there.

The best way of keeping it private would surely have been to rent a room elsewhere. I believe in modern parlance that is what is known as a ‘no-brainer’.

This, surprisingly, seems to have eluded the otherwise razor-sharp mind of former Liberal leader Lord Steel when he tells us that: "His mistake did not cost the taxpayer a penny since he could have been paying to rent a room elsewhere.”

Lord Duffer clearly misses the point. It’s not what he paid - it’s who he paid it to. Had Laws been paying to rent a room elsewhere then that would be have been OK. If Steel can’t acknowledge this then he should return to the ‘home for the bewildered’ and prepare for his meds.

Me? I’m sick and tired of these people and their “honest mistakes”.

Take your pick. We either have a parliament full of dumb-fucks or one full of liars.

They must think that the rest of us are fucking stupid.

Religious Policeman Decked

Obviously no fan of the Saudi religious police but, if they didn’t exist then we wouldn’t get a story like this.

When an officer of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, (catchy name – isn’t it), sauntered about an amusement park in the eastern Saudi Arabian city of Al-Mubarraz looking for unmarried couples illegally socialising, he probably wasn’t expecting much opposition.

But when he approached a young couple, he got more than he bargained for.

He asked the couple to confirm their identities and relationship to one another. For some reason or other, the man collapsed. The woman however, made of sterner stuff, laid into the holy plod, giving him a right doing, and leaving him to be taken to the hospital with bruises to his face and body.

Kismet I presume.

I feel a hundred lashes coming on.

Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest Head for the House of Lords

If anyone was left in any doubt that the House of Lords needs to be abolished a look at some of the latest nominations might just clinch it. It is still a place being topped up by those that the electorate didn’t want and the cronies of the expenses cheats from that other place.

As usual there are a few class warriors giving up the cause to join the unelected. This time round they are led by serial scoffer, John Prescott. What can you say about the pie-man?

He gave us Prescott-speak, a language so diabolical in it’s construction that his speeches in the House were used to test fledgling Hansard reporters.

But here’s the thing. During his political career he advocated the abolition of the Lords, once saying: "I don't want to be a member of the House of Lords. I will not accept it."

Subsidised lunches John. Subsidised lunches.

And if you thought that the days of buying a seat in the Lords were over – think again.

Dolar Popat, the Ugandan-born multi-millionaire Indian business tycoon who donated over £200,000 to the Tories over six years seems to have done enough to get measured up for a robe. This generosity has obviously saved Mr Popat from having to learn any of those annoying little things about the UK that are demanded by the citizenship test.

At a dinner of the Hindus in Britain Forum in 2008, Mr Popat said that multi-culturalism had stopped working. “There are too many immigrants of too many kinds.” he said.

“When I first came to Britain in 1971 there were the Scots, the Irish, the Indians, Pakistanis and the Afro-Caribbeans here. Now we have a large number of people from different parts of Africa and Eastern Europe.”

We might be able to excuse Mr Popat’s ignorance of Britain when he first arrived. But you’d think by 2008 he might have realised that Scots in the UK are not immigrants (not yet anyway).

But Mr Popat on the other hand, is undoubtedly a Tory.

Then to top it all, there is the ennobling of the world’s most useless copper - Sir Ian Blair. Not only for his work in ridding London of Brazilian electricians but also for his insight into Islamic terrorism - which he thinks "is a far graver threat in terms of civilians than either the Cold War or the Second World War". That’s bad news, because, the civilian death toll during World War II was around 47 million.

He also had his finger on the pulse in 2002 when he said "almost nobody" understood why the murder of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman in Soham became such a big story. He was forced to issue a hurried apology to the parents.

In late 2005 he secretly taped several telephone conversations, most notably the Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith and although the Metropolitan Police Authority, described his actions as "totally unacceptable", he kept his job.

Then there was the account he gave of his involvement in the Balcombe Street Siege on the night of 6 December 1975. In a 2006 interview he recalled: "We turned the corner, and there is the car,".

"It was a very defining moment. I think I spent the next half an hour pretending to be a bush. They [IRA terrorists] got out of the car and started firing at us. It is an interesting experience being fired at when you have absolutely nothing to fire back with ... I loved it. I loved the job.”

When this was later pointed out to be bollocks, he admitted he had not personally seen the IRA men getting out of their car and opening fire, stating: "I didn't see it and I didn't say I saw it.”

I hate this sort of thing because somebody is telling lies and you don’t know who it is.

And let’s not forget Joke McConnell, the erstwhile First Minister of Scotland. Although I’ve completely forgotten what he did to deserve his elevation.

Oh, I remember now, he lost the election to the SNP.

He deserves a wee bit extra in his pay-poke for that - surely. 

Forsyth to the Rescue of the Tories

Michael Bruce Forsyth, the last Tory Governor General of Scotland, has called for a structural rethink of the Scottish Conservatives after saying the party had become "marginal".

Forsyth, a devoted follower of Thatcher, lost his seat in the 1997 election. He then received an obligatory knighthood (in lieu of Dole money) and in 1999 was elevated to the House of Lords and given a life peerage as Baron Forsyth of Drumlean.

It’s nice to see though, that he’s showing such concern about the party in Scotland. We should all be interested in the solutions he has to offer the few. Especially since he was so much part of the problem in the first place. But, now that he’s in the Lords, he probably can’t remember.

Still – gives the rest of us a laugh.

Frankenbollocks

Scientist have moved a step closer to "playing God" after the creation of the world's first synthetic living cell. So the Scotsman (sic) newspaper tells us.

The problem the media has when it comes to reporting ‘science’ is that, in general, they know fuck all about it.

The piece informatively illuminated with a photograph of Hollywood’s ‘Herman Munster’ version of ‘Frankenstein’s Monster’ is typical of the media’s approach to science.

Nowhere in the piece are scientists accused of "playing God" by the usual . We are just supposed to accept that this is what they are doing – fact.

And if their not “Playing at God”, they’re looking for the “God Particle” or creating “Frankenstein Food”.

Here’s the thing.

Both Frankenstein and God are characters in books. Science is real.

On that basis I look forward to the ultimate headline:

“Scientists Create God”

Ravenscraig Porkies No More

A final word on Jim Murphy’s pre-election ravings about the Tories closing Ravenscraig. He might care to have a wee look at the file on Ravenscraig, part of a number of documents covering the period 1989-2004 released last week by the Scottish Government and National Archives of Scotland.

The Tories did a lot of damage to Scotland and I’ve never thought there was any need to invent things about them or their policies.

Perhaps Jim thought what he was saying was the truth.

Perhaps Jim knew what he was saying wasn’t the truth, but all’s fair in politics and elections.

Perhaps some people might want to check out what he says in the future.

And, perhaps the Labour lackeys at Pacific Quay might want to challenge the assertions of certain politicians and their celebrity supporters in the future.   

Farewell Jim Murphy

Goodbye Jim, I’m going to miss you.

Of all the Labour politicians in Scotland you were the most irritating of them all. And, as you  were the only one that ever seemed to be on TV  during the election campaign, it was obvious that Gordon thought the rest were the other side of rubbish.

Enjoy you’re summer holidays and I look forward to seeing you back in the fray at the Scottish Parliamentary elections next year. Where no doubt you’ll be wheeled out to deflect attention from the Iain Grey and his second rate posse at Holyrood.

I doubt very much if there’s going to be the same mileage to found with Danny Alexander.

But we live in hope.

Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber Itself

Lot of Germans complaining about having to bail out Euro Zone paupers, er, I mean partners, such as Spain and Portugal, due to the latest capitalist balls-up.

Now, let’s be fair.

If there’s one country that’s cost the rest of Europe a few quid over the years…

Aryan Ambulances

Recently, some West Midlands Ambulance Service staff were asked, in an NHS survey, if they thought Adolf Hitler was a "cool" leader.

A spokesman said that the aim of the project, a snip at £10,000, was to look at the characteristics of good leadership, to allow the organisation to be more efficient.

Feck only knows how efficient they might have become, had the staff ticked the Fuhrer’s box.

“Dr Mengele will see you know.“

Voter Turn-Off

In a recent BBC interview, Labour MP Diane Abbott who fancies herself as the new leader of the party (in fact she fancies herself full stop), referred to PR in those parts of the UK where it operates, as “an experiment”. And one that has been a failure because it has not increased voter turn-out.

What might increase voter turn-out might be a higher calibre of candidate.

You know the kind I mean.

Someone who is there on merit.

Someone that knows what they’re talking about.

Someone that knows what they’re doing.

Not the sort of detritus that we’ve had in the past.

You know the kind I mean.

Self-promoting, cheating, thieving, deluded twats who have arse-licked their way to the top and lined their pockets on the way.

I would like to point out that not all MPs fall into the above mentioned category.

Some are decidedly worse.

Obscured by Clouds.

Excellent picture on the BBC’s website, taken from Reuters, and accompanying a story about the ‘Ash Cloud’.

Showing Edinburgh airport it is annotated with:

“Edinburgh Airport had been closed to all flights earlier on Monday”

Now, are we supposed to believe that the cloud in the picture is the ‘ash’.

I wouldn’t be surprised.

The World Cup Runneth Over…For the Few

The truth about how the World Cup benefits the host nations economy can be seen quite clearly, right now, in South Africa. It would appear that the big boys move in, clean up and move out. Taking the money with them.

Regulations imposed by Fifa on host countries stipulate that no-one but it’s commercial partners can trade or promote their products in the immediate vicinity of all World Cup sites.

Local organisers are obliged to create commercial restriction zones around stadiums and areas of importance during the tournament.

Fifa argues that they must protect the official sponsors from "ambush marketing" by those who would want to profit from the event without having contributed financially.

And who are these dastardly feckers that would financially cripple world football.

Well. 

Ordinary street vendors who are being denied the right to make a living. All in the name of the beautiful game.

The street vendors, who have been selling outside the football grounds for years with no problems, have been told that they must apply for and purchase a permit. But many traders have pointed out that they don’t even know how to go about getting these permits.

As one ice cream seller, Nhanhla Mkhize, said:

"We are being made to jump through hundreds of hoops so we can do for a month what we have been doing here for years - and that's selling at the stadium."

The truth is, Fifa know more about money than football. And all the pish we hear about the ‘legacy’ from things such as this is just the suits blowing smoke up our arses.

If the ‘legacy’ involves people like Nhanhla Mkhize not being able send money home to his family while Blatter and the rest of the nonentities and hangers-on swan about endless receptions, then who the hell would want his circus in their town.

So if your going to the finals try and make point of buying your ice-cream and cold drinks from these guys.

It’s their living, they need the money.

And you can stick it to the man at the same time.