Bampots Lose Out in The Scheme if Things

There’s trouble in ‘The Scheme’, where the stars of the BBC’s hit comedy say their lives have been wrecked by the programme.

The show’s leading lights (approx 1 watt between them), Marvin and Chris have hit out at the producers saying they were made to look stupid. I don’t think they can claim the credit for that.

Train-spotter, Marvin, 30 (No joke - he’s 30), hit out: "The BBC were only interested in showing me make a fool of myself. They wanted a circus and we were the clowns." Well, if the funny hat fits.

In the first episode, Marvin was arrested twice - for drug dealing and assaulting his girlfriend. He also had his house burgled and suffered a drugs overdose. The girlfriend was also convicted of trying to smuggle heroin into the jail where he was banged-up.

And he was really pissed off after being told the reality show is to be screened across Britain - with subtitles for English and Welsh viewers. Uneasy with his new-found international star status, Einstein moaned:

"It's bad enough being made to look like a complete idiot in your own country - now we face the same sort of reaction in England.”

Chris, not to be outdone, was filmed leaping out of his teenage girlfriend’s bedroom window to avoid being arrested by police.

This Riz-la short of a joint also told the country on camera that he owed drug dealers £400 for cocaine he was supposed to sell but snorted instead.

His girlfriend’s mum also told us that Chris smashed up her car after she refused to let him see her daughter late at night.

Chris and the burd now have a seven-week-old daughter, which he struggles to see because his girlfriend's mum, Kay, has banned him from their house.

This has been one of the best things on telly for ages and I look forward to the remaining two episode, the judicial system permitting.

If Marvin and Chris have a problem then they should it up with scriptwriters.