Keep Vuvuzelas Away From the Match

FIFA allowed the vuvuzelas the World Cup after organisers did tests at a match at Johannesburg's 95,000-seater Soccer City after concerns that they could drown out emergency announcements.

Ignoring this, as is the want of a politician who hasn’t been in the news for a while, Lothians MSP Margo MacDonald has called for vuvuzelas to be banned at Scottish football grounds saying that safety announcements could be drowned out.

Big Grumpy, a Hibernian season ticket holder, also went on to moan that the vuvuzelas were "ruining" the World Cup.

She said: “There is no intention on my part to limit the enjoyment of fans.”

Quite right.

That’s the job of Hibernian.

The Sweet Smell of the Sweatshop

Katie Price's perfume has been pulled from Superdrug's shelves because of "ethical" reasons.

It follows a report in The Observer newspaper claiming that workers making the perfume bottles at the Pragati Glass Company in India are paid less than the minimum wage. They get 26p an hour.

A Superdrug spokeswoman said: "As a business, we have a robust ethical trading policy so that our customers can be confident that they are buying products that are made in an ethical way.”

In a statement, Price's spokesperson said: "The production of the bottle, its packaging, filling and finishing has been moved from India to the UK and France.

"We would like to reiterate as always that all products manufactured for Katie Price, or third parties working on behalf of Katie Price, have a checking policy that ensures health, safety and ethical trading guidelines are met and in most cases are exceeded.”

Robust ethical trading all round then.

So, how come it takes  the Observer to show that it’s so much bollocks? 

Bampots Lose Out in The Scheme if Things

There’s trouble in ‘The Scheme’, where the stars of the BBC’s hit comedy say their lives have been wrecked by the programme.

The show’s leading lights (approx 1 watt between them), Marvin and Chris have hit out at the producers saying they were made to look stupid. I don’t think they can claim the credit for that.

Train-spotter, Marvin, 30 (No joke - he’s 30), hit out: "The BBC were only interested in showing me make a fool of myself. They wanted a circus and we were the clowns." Well, if the funny hat fits.

In the first episode, Marvin was arrested twice - for drug dealing and assaulting his girlfriend. He also had his house burgled and suffered a drugs overdose. The girlfriend was also convicted of trying to smuggle heroin into the jail where he was banged-up.

And he was really pissed off after being told the reality show is to be screened across Britain - with subtitles for English and Welsh viewers. Uneasy with his new-found international star status, Einstein moaned:

"It's bad enough being made to look like a complete idiot in your own country - now we face the same sort of reaction in England.”

Chris, not to be outdone, was filmed leaping out of his teenage girlfriend’s bedroom window to avoid being arrested by police.

This Riz-la short of a joint also told the country on camera that he owed drug dealers £400 for cocaine he was supposed to sell but snorted instead.

His girlfriend’s mum also told us that Chris smashed up her car after she refused to let him see her daughter late at night.

Chris and the burd now have a seven-week-old daughter, which he struggles to see because his girlfriend's mum, Kay, has banned him from their house.

This has been one of the best things on telly for ages and I look forward to the remaining two episode, the judicial system permitting.

If Marvin and Chris have a problem then they should it up with scriptwriters.

Assassinating Thatcher is Nothing to Joke About

Labour MP John McDonnell has said he was "sorry" if he caused offence with his remarks about former Tory PM Margaret Thatcher.

At a Labour leadership event on Monday he said that if he could go back in time he would "assassinate Thatcher".

The left-wing MP told BBC Radio 5 Live it was meant as a "joke", but he could understand if people took offence.

Lost my  vote then.

Sticky-fingers Gang to go on Trial

The judge has ruled that three former Labour MPs Elliot Morley, David Chaytor, Jim Devine and Lord Hanningfield from the Home for the Bewildered, cannot claim parliamentary privilege to stop them being prosecuted over claims they abused their expenses.

Excellent.

The four all deny charges of false accounting over their expenses, brought under the terms of the Theft Act. In a desperate attempt to get away with it, the Sticky-fingers Gang had their lawyers argue that only Parliament could decide any action against them.

Judge says – “No chance.”

Good.

Now get on with the trial, find them guilty and send them to jail without the possibility of soap on a rope.

Or

As a trade off for this ruling – go through the motions, find them guilty, invent some mitigating bollocks, admonish them and send them on their way with a skelp on the arse. As a warning to others no doubt.

It should be remembered that all four accused are guilty until they get off with it.

Scots as Unhealthy as English.

According to a study, by the boffins at Glasgow University, unhealthy living is almost universal in Scotland, with virtually everyone in the country putting themselves at risk.

They identified five factors which contributed most to disease in richer countries - smoking, drinking, poor diet, physical inactivity and obesity.

The report found that 97% of Scots had at least one of the risk factors.

Some 55% of the population had three or more, while 20% had four or all five risk factors. Poverty was found to increase the risks.

This has been, and will be, rammed down our throat (deep-fried of course) all day long on the London based news. And no doubt BBC North Britain’s flagship news programme ‘Reporting Scotland’ (sic) will be unable to resist an opportunity to tell us what an inferior lot we are.

But before despair has you reaching for another deep-fried woodbine and a Buckfast pie, consider the twat on SKY News who took such delight in introducing the story.

“If you’re from Scotland you might want to cover your ears for our next story.” He grinned.

Alas, it came as a great blow to SKY-man’s smug superiority when he was told by the head boffin that the Scottish results were similar to those in a recent survey of English behaviour.

There was an audible groan from the balloon as he was deflated.

Still, that aside, I don’t think we should kill ourselves just to keep up with the neighbours. 

Buy Now - Blame Somebody Else Later

The NHS in Scotland is forecasting it could lose the equivalent of 3,790 full time staff over the next year. This has given the Job Centre Plus Party another opportunity to remind us that their collective amnesia has yet to be treated.

As she launched the "more Nats fewer nurses" campaign, Labour’s health spokeswoman Jackie Baillie has said: "You simply cannot remove thousands of doctors, nurses and midwives from the NHS without damaging standards of care," she said, adding: "Labour believe (sic) these cuts are unacceptable and we will campaign relentlessly to defend the NHS."

She might want to take that up with the board of NHS Greater Glasgow and Clyde which has said an investment programme meant it could provide the same standard of care with less staff.

Now, when I last checked, that wasn’t what you could describe as a hotbed of nationalism.

This is the sort of time when an extra £1b would come in handy for the NHS in Scotland.

Funnily enough that’s just a we bit less than is required over the next five years in repayments for privately financed hospitals commissioned when Labour was last in government at Holyrood.

Add that to the cuts we’re seeing as a direct result of the unprecedented mismanagement of the public finances by Labour whilst in office at UK level and you can see why this is the fault of the SNP.